Divine Freedom

I dont usually write much, I dont have all the fancy and lovely words that professional writters have. But you know when you have something on your heart to express but your spoken words just can’t be expressed properly. You feel quietened, insecure, and you feel like no one takes you seriously enough and at times you think to yourself why even bother. So I have decided to put my thoughts on the social network….it seems to work!

I just want to give you abit of my back ground and where I came from, and what things have brought me to where I am today. I grew up in a broken home, my parents split when I was just a little baby, so that left my mother to raise 3 kids on her own, and on fortnightly weekends I’d see my father. I’d say my childhood wasn’t easy but I guess there are people who have been through worse then me. I was bullied all through my primary schooling, because I was a large child, not normal to everyone else. So that left alot of scars in me that to this day I continually struggle with. Throughout the 18 years of my life, I have had to grow up quit quick, because mum had to work alot to support us, we had to do alot of things on our own. I have a wonderful strong mother.

I am not going to say much more about my childhood as it isnt the source of why I am writting this morning but it is a major part of why I am the way I am today. I have seen alot of brokeness in my life, especially in relationships. My father got married again, then had another beautiful child, then divorced again and got married again and had another 2 beautiful children. My mother got re-married again, after a few broken relationships before that. The man my mother re-married, I adored, actually I found myself clinging to every man my mother was with, but this one in perticular I thought of as my own father. As a young girl I was obsessed with horses and horse riding and we lived out on land, and horses became my whole life, my families whole life too. So I’d find myself out the back helping my step father build fences and always with the horses. My step father had an issue, he would drink and drink and get so drunk all the time that it turned in anger and violence. On one perticular occassion he got really drunk and angry, and ended up completely smashing up our rental house. From that day forward, we had trouble getting into houses and so we would constantly be moving house to house, bringing the horses wherever we went. I still remember every night he would be drunk and get angry, I dont think I’ll ever forget, but I found myself after every bad situation I could still forgive him. Eventually my mother and him split up.

As a young girl then, I didnt completely understand the impact that it really had on my life and the deep wounds that would eventually be exposed. Horses at that time were my escape, they were the only thing that I knew wouldnt eventually hurt me or leave me. We sold all our horses because we couldnt afford them anymore, as my mother once again was a single parent. I still miss them dearly, but these days I have something else, more powerful and more real holding me together.

It was my father that took us three kids to a Salvation Army church 6 years ago, and since then I have experienced and faced many trials and many exciting things. But It wasnt until Abba lead me to the church I am at now, and have been for coming up to 4 years. God placed people in my life that genuinely cared for me, and spoke purpose and worth into my life. And it was then that my relationship with Jesus became so real to me, that to this day, I am completely relient on Him alone, its Jesus that completely and utterly holds me together. I learnt that a few months ago when I got distracted by a boy and turned my back on Jesus, I completely crumbled and fell into this state of depression, because that essence that held me together, I had blindly walked away from. But Jesus healed me from that.

I am writting this morning to I guess you could say share abit of my story but in a way to help me fully comprehend things and why I am the way I am today. Fact is I am not very good with love, I mean Im great at loving but not very good at recieving love, as my persception of recieving needs to change. I dont wanna be the girl that is continually looking for a guy to love, and completely giving my heart away to someone who actually dosnt want it. Truth is I am not ready for a man in my life, because there are deep deep wounds in my life with men in general. I find myself searching and searching for a love that is already searching for me. 

But today I say change me. Change me Jesus to be more like you, completely devoted to you. I don’t want to be the girl the world says I should be but I want to be the girl the King says I should be.

A gift my Jesus has given me is joy, from my history, the world says I shouldnt be so joyful, but Jesus invaded my inner-most being and planted joy bombs that are continually exploding. I find myself laying in bed trying to sleep but Jesus sets off these joy bombs and I am completely going absolutely crazy in my bed with joy that I cannot explain, and I dont need to explain because its just a way God pours out his blessing. I often find myself getting annoyed with myself because I can be a little crazy sometimes. The enemy loves putting this thought in my head that everyone thinks Im crazy and loud and annoying but then I have to say NO, ”The JOY of the Lord is my stength.” and no weapons formed against me shall prosper, I am a daughter of the King.

Its Jesus that changed me life, and my past will not and does not define who I am in Christ anymore. Every day I commit to saying change me. because everyday Jesus wants to show us more and more and we cannot possibly not get changed by that.

If your reading this and can relate in any way, I wanna tell you something, listen very carefully. You are loved. You have a plan and a purpose for you life. The past does not define who you are and who you are going to be. Jesus wants the most best be for your life….John 10:10 says The enemy comes only to kills steal and destroy but I have come to bring you life and life to the full. This world I know is scary and dosnt offer much, but let me tell you truth, there is hope. Jesus is hope. You were created for more then you can even imagine. You are destined for greatness. Jesus says its dosnt matter if you think your not goood enough, because he thinks your more then good enough. Ask him to change you. But ask Him to change you to be more like him. You are his child and he loves you. we all have flaws and things we need to work through but trust me, only Jesus can heal your bruises and pain. Dont walk this alone. Say change me.